Wednesday, March 23, 2011

What was the most ridiculous fear you had as a child?

When I was 6, I had a nightmare. In the dream a two headed snake made of feces was crawling up my chest with the intent to kill me. I was paralyzed and unable to defend myself, such as these dreams go. I woke up in a cold sweat mortified. The next day when I had to take a dump I was unable to use the toilet. The fear of a two headed turd snake held me back. So instead I did what any other logically thinking 6 year old would do and I started shitting in the front yard. I was a little smarter than the average 6 year old because I would wait until it got dark. Then I’d grab a roll of toilet paper and head out into the front yard to lay a gentleman’s egg.
After a week or two passed my Dad was starting to ask questions about the piles of turds in our front yard. Knowing the heat was on I decided I’d try to use the toilet again. The next day I felt the urge to negotiate the release of some chocolate hostages, so went to the bathroom with the intent to face my fears like a man. I sat on the toilet for an hour and nothing happened. That night I went into the front yard and found the cool crisp night air accompanied by the ever so dim moonlight to be just what I needed to ruin that ant hill while I read the latest Nintendo Power.
Just as progress bar reached 50% on the brownware I was downloading, a bright light shined from my left. There I was squatting with a brown tail growing from my ass in the headlights of my Father’s car. He jumps out of the car and proceeded to yell at me. I was unable to answer the question of what was wrong with me. I had never felt so ashamed in my life.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Pi Is Wrong.


by Wislawa Szymborska

The admirable number pi:
three point one four one.
All the following digits are also initial,
five nine two because it never ends.
It can't be comprehended six five three five at a glance,
eight nine by calculation,
seven nine or imagination,
not even three two three eight by wit, that is, by comparison
four six to anything else
two six four three in the world.
The longest snake on earth calls it quits at about forty feet.
Likewise, snakes of myth and legend, though they may hold out a  ......................... bit longer.
The pageant of digits comprising the number pi
doesn't stop at the page's edge.
It goes on across the table, through the air,
over a wall, a leaf, a bird's nest, clouds, straight into the sky,
through all the bottomless, bloated heavens.
Oh how brief - a mouse tail, a pigtail - is the tail of a comet!
How feeble the star's ray, bent by bumping up against space!
While here we have two three fifteen three hundred nineteen
my phone number your shirt size the year
nineteen hundred and seventy-three the sixth floor
the number of inhabitants sixty-five cents
hip measurement two fingers a charade, a code,
in which we find hail to thee, blithe spirit, bird thou never wert
alongside ladies and gentlemen, no cause for alarm,
as well as heaven and earth shall pass away,
but not the number pi, oh no, nothing doing,
it keeps right on with its rather remarkable five,
its uncommonly fine eight,
its far from final seven,
nudging, always nudging a sluggish eternity
to continue.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Look into your own soul for answers

"What a price to pay.. when he was older, the years I drew myself away from him.. "Why have you  stopped answering questions, Father?" he asked me once.  "You are old enough to look into your own soul for answers,' I told him.. he listened to find answers for himself.  He suffered and learned to listen to the suffering of others.  In the silence between us, he began to hear the world crying."
 - The Chosen by Chaim Potok

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Schiphol's urinals

In Amsterdam, the tiles under Schipol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. 
But nobody notices.  What everybody does notice is that each urinal has a fly in it.

Look harder: it is actually a black outline of a fly etched into the porcelain.  
It has been discovered that it improves aim by 80%.
If a man sees the fly, he aims at it.  A perfect example of process control.


Tick Tock

What will you do if you only have 5 minutes to live?