When I was 6, I had a nightmare. In the dream a two headed snake made of feces was crawling up my chest with the intent to kill me. I was paralyzed and unable to defend myself, such as these dreams go. I woke up in a cold sweat mortified. The next day when I had to take a dump I was unable to use the toilet. The fear of a two headed turd snake held me back. So instead I did what any other logically thinking 6 year old would do and I started shitting in the front yard. I was a little smarter than the average 6 year old because I would wait until it got dark. Then I’d grab a roll of toilet paper and head out into the front yard to lay a gentleman’s egg.
After a week or two passed my Dad was starting to ask questions about the piles of turds in our front yard. Knowing the heat was on I decided I’d try to use the toilet again. The next day I felt the urge to negotiate the release of some chocolate hostages, so went to the bathroom with the intent to face my fears like a man. I sat on the toilet for an hour and nothing happened. That night I went into the front yard and found the cool crisp night air accompanied by the ever so dim moonlight to be just what I needed to ruin that ant hill while I read the latest Nintendo Power.
Just as progress bar reached 50% on the brownware I was downloading, a bright light shined from my left. There I was squatting with a brown tail growing from my ass in the headlights of my Father’s car. He jumps out of the car and proceeded to yell at me. I was unable to answer the question of what was wrong with me. I had never felt so ashamed in my life.