Thursday, May 19, 2011

My Raisin Bran turned into Spider Baby Hell

by Hengist

Funny you mention Raisin Bran. I too have a Raisin Bran tale to tell that forever ruined that cereal for me.

When I was about 20, I got a box of Raisin Bran and I sat down for a delicious breakfast. So I poured myself a bowl and mixed the milk and began to nom. After I finished that bowl, I decided that I was still hungry and that I wanted some more, so I poured another.

What followed was a scene out of hell. An enormous spider rushed out with the bran flakes and landed plop---right in the middle of the milk. It was hairy and easily three to four inches across, with emerald green chelicerae. I was frozen, half-pour, staring at this massive eight-legged eight-eyed horror as it waggled its legs at me threateningly. Apparently, it was just the vanguard of the full assault. Suddenly, the cereal box, which I was still holding half-poured, suddenly boiled over with thousands, perhaps tens of thousands, of tiny spiders. In an instant, they were all over the table and spilling over onto my legs. I screamed an unholy scream and dropped the box, leaping back and falling over the back of the chair. They were on my chest and face now, and I was screaming a mix of loud profanities and "Get them off me!"

Understand that I am not usually afraid of spiders, but this was a whole new dimension of arachnophobia that I was experiencing. I made a dive for the cupboard, grabbed a can of Raid, and began spraying the horde down---the table, the floor, the chair, the box, and even my legs. Spraying my legs turned out to be a dumb idea, because the little bastards all over them began biting, each a sting just like an angry bee. In my flailing, I knocked the Raisin Bran box off the table, and it landed on the floor, a new rush of spiders gushing out along with Raisin Bran and several golf-ball sized spider egg sacs.

I had had enough. I was shaking all over as I ran out of the kitchen, closing the door tightly behind me and pushing a coffee table against the door. I was terrified and felt like vomiting. I dashed for the shed in the backyard and grabbed a bug bomb my uncle had left there from when he de-bugged his RV. For disturbing the shed, I got stung by a very angry wasp, which did not help my mood any.

Arriving back at the scene of the spider apocalypse, I activated the bomb and threw it into the kitchen then took refuge in the bathroom where I took a shower. When I finally got the nerve to go back to the kitchen, there were dead spiders everyplace.

Wow, I think I have to go take a shower and hug my cat now. :-(

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