Diet Regimen ni Jeni

My in-laws dropped by at dahil wala nang other interest/hobby ang pamilya kundi kumain, we literally ate out almost everynight at inubos na namin lahat ng buffets at lauriats. Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Italian, American - you name it we've done it. Not only that, nag-sale ang mga supermarkets so we have weeks worth of sausages, hamburgers and tv dinners. Our fridge is so stocked up we can survive a nuclear holocaust.

Now that Jeff's wedding is about a month away, ano pa nga ba, it's crunch time: kailangan magpapayat para kumasya sa lintek na gown. And now that I am at it, I might as well share to whomever may care my diet regimen:

1. Drink Coffee and Listen to a lot of intense Punk Rock
Why: The heartbeat adapts to the pace of whatever music one's listening to. So, the faster the drums, the better. Drink more coffee to aggravate the palpitation. Can you imagine the amount of calories burned if one does Tae-bo with an Offspring soundtrack?!? (Pero I'm too tamad for Tae-bo so I'm doing the other half of the equation)
Cons: Medyo energizer-bunny kakalabasan from being too keyed up and medyo mahirap mag-concentrate.

2. Sleep a lot - medyo mahirap kasi nag-coffee from #1, and the trick is balance.
Why: Sleep increases leptin, the hormone that suppresses appetite. Sleep lowers cortisol, the stress hormone - the culprit in increasing blood sugar and insulin levels and results in fat deposits in the abdomen.
Cons: Tatawagin kang tamad ng asawa mo.

3. Mag-isip ng kung ano-ano - basta wag stressful stuff kundi you will ruin #2.
Example (para sa mga ayaw mag-isip): Deciphering what Eddie Vedder is singing in the new Pearl Jam album without the aid of the lyrics sheet. Tapos, analyze and try to guess what meaningful message he is trying to impart. Finally, memorize. O diba?
Why: The brain consumes energy at 10 times the rate of the rest of the body per gram of tissue. The average power consumption of a typical adult is 100 Watts and the brain consumes 20% of this making the power of the brain 20 W.
Cons: Now you know why when back when you were a student, payat ka, and now that you're underpaid and working like a horse, tumataba ka. So, force yourself to think dammit!

4. Watch Fear Factor - this is a no brainer. If you don't know why, you just failed tip #3. Masarap bang kumain ng fried chicken while watching the desperate constestant barf after eating the cow's uterus dipped in rat's blood topped with worms and crunchy cockroach? Hm??
Alternative: pwede ring CSI as long as there's lots of dead body shots
Cons: Networks only air the show once a week.

5. Fidget - why excercise when you can be a weirdo and have fun irritating your: a. relatives b. co-workers c. boss.
Why: Fidgeting is the reason behind "thin" couch potatoes and "fat" couch potatoes. People who have "high metabolism" are just, actually, fidgeters.

There. Now you know. If you have a tip, I'm all ears.